


A Royal Mess

by DaisyQueenYisel



Category: The Adventure Zone (Podcast)
Genre: F/F, F/M, First Crush, Gen, M/M, Original Characters - Freeform, dungeons and dumbasses, i just want my boys to be happy, other two ships are just mentioned, this is so self indulgent lmaooooooo
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2017-05-12
Updated: 2017-05-12
Packaged: 2018-10-30 21:03:09
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 3,361
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/10884888
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/DaisyQueenYisel/pseuds/DaisyQueenYisel
Summary: The party sets off on a side mission that lands them in, quite literally, a royal mess.(Set between ep 50 and 51)





	A Royal Mess

**Author's Note:**

> jesus bear with me i was struck with such inspiration and now i burden you with this

“Jesus, how far away is this fucking forest?” Taako complained as he slouched in his chair. They were soaring over nothing but ocean, having been asked to take a “mandatory leave” before taking on a rigorous training schedule that the Director had told them she was about to put them on. Though they had no idea why they were going to have to go through such work or why they weren’t starting it immediately, a break was something they were in desperate need of.

 

At the last minute, however, the Director had told them this wasn’t going to be much of a break after all.

 

“I’m sorry, boys, but you’re going to have to take care of something for me while I’m there,” The Director said apologetically, flopping down into her chair with a strange look of exhaustion. “I just-I think it’d be good for you all to have something easy to handle for once.”

 

“Aw, shit!” Taako shouted, dropping his suitcases and whipping off his sunglasses in a huff. “I was so ready for foot massages and a good night’s sleep for fucking once without these two goddamn idiots waking me up!”

 

“Wait, don’t you, like, meditate?” Magnus asked. Taako rolled his eyes.

 

“Elves can sleep too? We just-Honest to god, I’m going to kill myself.”

 

The Director closed her eyes sympathetically, a small chuckle escaping her despite trying to maintain her composure. She turned to Merle, who was scratching his back and generally uninterested in the conversation, and rolled her eyes herself.

 

“Lucretia, whatever you need us to do, we’ll get it done, even if it means we’re going on a not-vacation,” Magnus promised. Merle laughed turning to Magnus with a snort.

 

“So a business trip?”

 

“No, a not-vacation, which is obviously different than a business trip, and you are wrong.”

 

“Yeesh, okay, tight-ass.”

 

“Boys,” Lucretia sighed, trying to grab their attention again. They straightened up a little bit, though Merle still snickered under his breath. Once she decided they were paying _enough_ attention, she took a deep breath and began.

 

“This mission is a strange one, to say the least, so I’m going to need you to pay close attention to what I’m about to say.”

 

The boys nodded in accordance, and she clasped her hands together.

 

“Well, there is word of a princess who has traveled throughout many lands with a party of five unique and varied mercenaries. This is already odd in  itself, but not only has this monarch has left her throne, she is rumored to be searching for an artifact that supposedly can cure any ailment that no one no longer knows the name of. Sound familiar?”

 

“You think it’s a Relic?” Magnus concluded, and Lucretia nodded slightly.

 

“That’s not where the weirdness ends, however. There are many suspicions of her origins, despite her scroll of pedigree and insignia of royalty she apparently readily has on hand.”

 

“What’s so strange about that?” Taako asked. “She has literal proof she’s a princess? What’s there to doubt?”

 

The Director laughed dryly and tapped her desk as she drew in a breath.

 

“The reason why this is so strange is because this princess is from a thriving, boisterous kingdom known for its trade, wealth, and exports…”

 

She leaned back in her chair and faced them.

 

“...and the fact that no one has ever seen their Royal Family in less than an entire century.”

 

“What the fuck?” All three reclaimers said in unison. The Director nodded knowingly, leaning back into her chair.

 

“No one of royal descent has ever been seen since I’ve been alive, or since anyone I know has been around, not even dukes, or even nobles. So, I want you to look into this out of pure curiosity; find out why she’s wandered to where she is, and determine whether or not the artifact she might be searching for is indeed a Relic, or just one of the many lost hidden artifacts from the Forgotten Realm. You’ll have to befriend her and her party in order to do so, and accompany her to the upcoming Heaven’s Light Gala that a duke of this kingdom of hers hosts for her birthday every year, but that she will be attending for the first time.”

 

“Why, though?” Merle asked, causing Taako to snort. Lucretia faced him seriously.

“Because she’s looking to this uncle of hers for help in finding it. Whether this is harmful to the world or not is what I need to know. You only have two weeks before the gala, so time is of the essence, understood? Now-”

 

“Well, where are we even going, then? We can’t just waltz into the cannonball room and ask Avi to shoot us towards Pan knows where.”

 

“Just-Let me finish. Let me finish.”

 

Merle put up both his hands in resignation. “Alright, alright. Sorry, Miss Director.”

 

Lucretia rolled her eyes, waving it off.

 

“Now, as I was saying--you will be going to Silverpoint, Loistavatoma--the edge of her kingdom, actually. And before you ask how she’s there without having been noticed by the public, the only reason I know of her is because of the eyes and ears the Bureau has, so you mustn’t let anyone else know, or else you may endanger the princess herself, and the last thing we need is royalty hounding our asses.”

She stood up, a weary smile on her face as she waved towards the door.

 

“Off you go then. Avi will let you know where you’ll be heading. See you in about two weeks, boys.”

 

Before the boys shuffled out, she gasped slightly.

 

“Oh! You’ll be having a guest to take with you!”

 

“Fuuuuuuuck,” Merle groaned as Magnus and Taako turned around in confusion.

 

“Hello, sirs!”

 

“Holy shit!” Magnus shouted out, startled by the boy detective’s sudden greeting. Taako grinned widely in genuine surprise and glee and ruffled his hair, effectively knocking his hat off.

 

“Hey, you little shit, you’re comin’ with?”

 

“Yes, sir!” Angus chirped as he picked up his hat from the floor. “The Director said that she thought I’d be ‘particularly helpful’ in befriending the princess and finding out what the artifact she’s searching for is, so I’m here to help! Oh, and sorry, Magnus,” Angus apologized sheepishly. Magnus just nodded, looking away so that they couldn’t see he was still trying to calm himself down.

 

“‘Particularly helpful’?” Taako repeated, looking at Lucretia, who looked like she was repressing a knowing smile.

 

“You’ll see. Now off you go! It’s a long journey to, during, and back. Anyways, you won’t be coming back to something like this in….”

 

Her voice drifted off, her gaze falling past them as her face fell, with a only a sad smile left on her face.

 

“A long time.”

 

“.......Oooookay! Well, time to get moving, guys! Don’t let the door hitcha where the good Lords’ splitcha!” Taako exclaimed picking up his bags and zipped out of the awkward situation as soon as possible, his friends quickly following suit.

 

Magnus rubbed his eyes slowly now, and groaned as Merle yawned loudly for the twentieth time and Taako kept muttering curses under his breath.

 

“Please, stop talking,” Magnus whined. “I’ve got such a major headache I’m ready to use Railsplitter to cut my goddamn head open.”

 

“Oh no, don’t do that!” Angus squeaked, eyes wide in horror. He was already gripping the arm handles of his seat due to the motion sickness overwhelming him, but the young boy was determined to keep his nausea at bay in front of his idol(s).

 

“Oh, please, you big babies,” Merle sighed as he kept his wood hand ready on the brakes. “You get to take a nap or something on the way over, you just refuse to because you don’t trust me to hit the brake on time!”

 

“We trusted you to not fucking get your arm chopped off and look at where we’re at!” Taako shouted out in frustration. Angus shrank at hearing his teacher shout, and Magnus groaned again, though more in dread than pain as Merle turned around in a huff.

 

“It’s not my fault Mr. Sadist Magnus here chopped my goddamn arm off!”

 

“I am not about to remind you and your weird rhyming nickname that you just gave me once again that I saved your _life_ , you old asswipe!”

 

Merle took his hand off the brake and jabbed his finger towards Magnus, almost growling at him.

 

“Watch your tone, punk, before I open a can of whoop-ass on you.”

 

“You can’t open a can of _anything_ if it's a hundred years past its fucking expiration date!” Taako laughed, and Merle’s face grew crimson red as Magnus and Taako busted out into a fit of laughter. Angus nervously looked out the window, and yelped as he saw that they were past the stretch of ocean and soaring over a thick forest, heading straight towards the edge of a city that was bustling with citizens roaming around its marketplace. His eyes flickered towards the boys and briefly considered shouting for their attention, but he already knew from experience that it took either disaster or the Director to pull their attention away from anything, really.

 

He took a deep breath and unhooked his seat belt, gulping one last breath before lunging towards the brake with a frightened shout. His face and ribs slammed into it quite brutally, but it effectively pushed it forward, and the entire sphere was slowed to a glide as it began to descend towards the ground. The boys looked out the window, the argument completely forgotten as they grabbed their belongings and began to hop off the sphere.

 

“Whoo, hell of a ride!” Taako sighed in satisfaction, tapping his umbrastaff twice to cast Levitate on his belongings, which floated obediently behind him. “Come on, Angus, stop caressing the brake before you get shot back to the Bureau!”

 

“Should have just left ‘im,” Merle stage whispered to Magnus, who just rolled his eyes and waved Angus over. With a shaky stand, Angus grabbed his enchanted backpack (a Candlelights gift from the BoB), and chased after the boys as they entered the edge of Silverpoint, walking through the last of the trees that surrounded its borders.

 

“So, this entire kingdom is just made up of islands, then?” Angus asked, a bit out of breath as he finally caught up with the others.

 

“Yep!” Taako confirmed as Magnus and Merle both chimed a quizzical “What?”

 

“Oh, uh, well as I looked around, we rapidly left an ocean coast, but I could see its edge while we were still high up, so I assumed that because part of the kingdom was on an island, uh,  the other parts were on islands, too.”

 

“Same here, homie.”

 

“Oh. Well, I guess that makes sense,” Magnus said with slight interest.

 

“I honestly didn’t care,” Merle commented.

 

“Well, we’re on a forested island, so that means that there’s no easy way to escape, so let’s not steal arms or get into fights we can’t win, m’kay?” Taako said, flashing a shit-eating grin at his friends who swatted at him fruitlessly.

 

“I wonder how this anonymous princess managed to get some mercenaries on her side!” Angus wondered aloud as he walked along side the group of adventurers.

 

“Well, I mean, she is a princess. She’s probably as loaded as a _fucking baked potato_ ,” Taako said, the greed evident in his voice. Angus just laughed as Taako turned to Magnus and Merle excitedly.

 

“I’m gonna charm this princess so hard she’s gonna give me everything she owns, and when I leave her a broken heart she’s gonna fucking thank me!”

 

However, his daydreaming stopped abruptly as his ears perked up, and he turned on his heels in an instant, his cloak whipping in front of Angus’ face as he held an arm out in front of him and looked around cautiously. Magnus pulled out his Chance Lance and took a battle stance subconsiously as he and Merle backed around Angus, subconsciously forming a protective circle around him.

 

“Taako, what’s going on?”

 

Taako shook his head, and Magnus fell silent immediately, glancing at Merle. He gave an understanding not and took out his bible, muttering under his breath. Angus tapped Taako’s shoulder nervously.

 

“S-sirs-?”

 

“Shut up, Angus! Read the room!” Taako hissed, looking around the forest frantically.

 

The adventurers fell dead silent as the sound of multiple, rapid footsteps hitting the forest floor finally reached their ears. The footsteps grew closer and closer, until they could have sworn they were right next to them, until the forest fell silent again. No one spoke for seconds that stretched eternally, until the party slowly began to relax.

 

Magnus knit his eyebrows together in confusion as he slowly returned the Chance Lance onto his back.

 

“Um, I guess--let’s go then?”

 

Before anyone could agree, however, six figures suddenly appeared around them, and pulled all of them to the ground in an instant. Their hands and feet were bound in a flash and only Angus was left standing as one of the figures kicked away Taako’s umbrastaff, and two others sat on Magnus and Merle.

 

“Wh-What-?” Angus panicked, before gasping at the sudden feeling of a cold, jagged blade against his neck. He looked up as far as he dared to find himself looking into a pair of steely, silver eyes staring him down. These eyes belonged to a soft face covered in copper freckles, framed with pitch black hair and a large lavender hat. They had a pointed nose and ears, so Angus could easily deduce they were an elf, but they didn’t look much older than Angus himself, really. Angus’ eyes flickered to his left, where he could see the faint glow of torches from merchants that were setting up for the night shift, and wondered if he could scream for help, or if any would arrive.

 

They pushed the blade ever so slightly deeper into his neck, and Angus snapped out of his investigative mindset to lock eyes with his assailant. They moved right in front of his face and growled,

 

“State who you are before you _die._ ”

 

“Get your hands off him!” Taako shrieked, before a figure above him flipped him onto his stomach.

 

“B-Before-?” Angus squeaked, instantly breaking out into a nervous sweat. “Y-You mean you’ll kill us either way?”

 

“No, she means tell us who you are so she can figure out why you’re here, since you were talking about her and all,” the figure sitting on Magnus’ body clarified lazily. The girl shot him a look, and huffed in frustration.

 

“Braveheart, seriously?” The smaller figure on top of Merle berated. “You can’t just reveal Ely’s position like that to a possible threat!”

 

The girl’s jaw dropped open in shock for a second, before she closed her mouth and eyes in absolute frustration.

 

“None of you are helping.”

 

“Ely, this little kid’s pretty freaked out,” A figure said behind her. “Maybe don’t kill him?”

 

“I wasn’t going to kill him!” Ely shouted, pulling the dagger away from Angus’ neck as she threw her arms up into the air. “Gods almighty, do you guys even know what a bluff is?”

 

“Sorry we ruined your plan,” a meek voice said quietly, barely recognizable in the shadows. The girl sighed, completely distracted from her objective, and Magnus easily snapped off his bonds around his wrists and pushed himself off of the ground as hard as he could, causing the large figure on top of him only to stumble off. He turned to Taako and snapped off his leg bonds and shouted, “Get your umbrella!”

 

Before Magnus could do anything else, however, this little girl roared in anger and outstretched her hands up in front of her, and as her silver eyes glowed blue with energy, a ray of frost shot out from her fingertips and directly at Magnus’ head, freezing his face in place.

 

“Holy shit, what a spell!” Taako shouted as he sprinted for his umbrastaff. “I’m impressed!”

 

“Wait!” Angus’ shouted out in a panic. Everyone turned to him in surprise, but determined to push through this moment of courage, Angus faced Ely and put both his hands up in surrender.

 

“We’re here to protect you.”

 

The boys looked at Angus in bewilderment as Ely considered Angus for a moment. She knit her eyebrows together, and frowned.

 

“And how did you intend to do that?”

 

“You’ve traveled a long way from home, Your Highness. I just-”

 

“I’m--Don’t call me Highness,” Ely snapped, looking down at the ground with her hand still clenched around her dagger. Angus gulped, trying to swallow his anxiety, and clumsily continued.

 

“U-Uh, then, Miss...Ely. You’re looking for something that we might know about.”

 

Her ears perked up at the sound of that, and she flashed him a goofily wide grin, her entire demeanor flipped 180 degrees.

 

“Really?” She asked, her voice light and hopeful. She leaned towards him, apparently waiting for an answer.

 

Angus blinked, unable to process the success of his bluff for a second, before feeling the slightest warmth rush up his cheeks as he smiled awkwardly, hoping to reassure her.

 

“U-Uh, yes! I’ll explain, but uh, c-could you not kill my friends?”

 

“Ely, don’t-” The larger figure warned, but to no avail as Ely snapped her fingers, immediately untying the bonds left, and melting the frost off of Magnus’ face. Magnus shuddered violently, rubbing his cheeks in worry as he licked his lips.

 

“Ah fehl num’,” Magnus said, the obvious lisp a telltale sign that the spell was having an aftereffect on him. Ely waved dismissively.

 

“You’ll be good in an hour, sideburns. So!” Ely said excitedly as she grabbed Angus’ hand. “Let’s get cracking!”

 

“Wai-!” Angus yelped, before being pulled towards the edge of the town, stumbling to keep up with the sprinting princess.

 

“Shit, we just walked into a trap.” The figure that was previously behind Ely whined. He took off his hood to reveal a golden helmet with two pointed horns in front of his face. He was a pouty gnome bard, with wild hair that curled all the way to his shoulders and landed softly on a strap that held a single bongo. A stern halfling fighter, with vibrant red that could compete with the gnome's, stood up and shook her head.

 

“What are we gonna do with her?”

 

“Excuse me?” Taako said, clapping his hands together and calling the attention of the other party. The larger figure, revealed to be a half-orc with braided red hair and a jagged scar that ranged across his right eye grinned impishly, while the figure in the shadows stepped out nervously, only to be revealed to have white cloth wrapped around his face that only left his piercing hazel eyes uncovered. Taako cleared his throat, and held out his arms.

 

“What the literal fuck is going _on?_  I _know_ I did not just get owned by a fucking kindergartner right now!”

 

The red-headed dwarf just scratched her head distractedly, looking around the air until her eyes settled on the trees behind Taako. Her eyes grew wide, and she shouted,

 

“Tobi, don’t you dare kill the wizard!”

 

“Ah, shit,” A voice faintly muttered in the trees, and a lean, lanky human dropped down besides Taako, startling him a bit as he brushed himself off. “Come on, Peoma, you didn’t need to tell on me.”

 

“Sar-C, run after the kids,” Peoma sighed. The masked human adwarf nodded, before stealthily rolling behind the nearest tree and sprinting after Angus and Ely, his footsteps barely audible.

 

“Oh shit, rogue!” Magnus chimed. He put a hand behind his head and smiled. “You know, I’m a bit of a rogue myself.”

 

“Are we just gonna let Angus get kidnapped by that princess? Because that is _alright_ with me,” Merle interrupted, pointing towards the direction the kids went.

 

“Oh shit!” Taako exclaimed, before running down between the trees and holding onto his hat.

 

“Oh, yeah,” Magnus said airily, before turning to walk towards the same direction. Merle looked at the foreign party, who were looking at each other in concern, and grinned cheekily.

 

“Well, you kids comin’ or what?”

**Author's Note:**

> basically this is like a one shot "live show" kind of thing so whOop
> 
> (also tell me how what you think of my NPCS/OCS!!!!!)


End file.
